Current local Las Vegas time is 9:58am, September 20, 2017.

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Check Your Stats, You Might Be Missing Something

The say that Google page rank is everything on the Internet these days, and that getting it is somewhat of a black science. I don’t write these pages with any particular page ranking in mind. Since “Lars Vargas” is a fairly uncommon name, I tend to rank pretty high (usually at the top) when searched in Google. That’s nice, but expected. Getting into “Las Vegas Blogs” is a lot harder. I checked once, and I’m at around 700 or 800. Probably lower.

One of the things I do check every so often is my site stats. It’s nice to see how much traffic this site gets (not much right now), where it’s coming from (mostly other pages on this site) and various other tidbits. One of those tidbits is what search terms landed visitors on your pages. All the things you would think would be there are: Lars Vargas, Mrs. Vargas, Luella the cat, etc. Many of those are my searches to see if I’m in certain search engines and such. More curiosity than anything else, but it’s nice to see if you’re being watched by the big guys.

Most of the search terms that bring visitors at my site are rather pedestrian. Others are just plain weird. You never know what combination of words will bring visitors. This current winner is “jerking off to sears catalogs”. And I have the dubious distinction of currently being ranked #8 in Google (see for yourself) for people searching for ways to induce self-pleasure the Sears-Roebuck way. [It’s higher now … see the update below.]

Sure the story linked from Google indirectly mentions the Sears Catalog as a catalyst to self-induced climax, but only in a medically-prescribed fashion. It wasn’t intended as an aide or to indicate possible sources of yank fodder. (And a side effect of this story is that I will probably get ranked even higher now.)

Fortunately, only one visitor has come to my site this way so far. And the stats software doesn’t track what they do when they visit other than counting page hits. There’s likely a very divine mercy in that.

I know it could have been much worse, like having people searching for Crutchfield Catalog or even Harry & David masturbation sites. I wonder if I will be able to branch out into even weirder searches such as running ketchup packets over with a car at high speed or crushing grapes while wearing high heels. It’s probably only a matter of time.


As of today, December 17, 2005, the above-referenced page on this site is now ranked #2 on Google for “jerking off to sears catalogs”. So my prediction aobut going up in rank came true.

This page is now #1 for “crushing grapes while wearing high heels” as well as “running ketchup packets over with a car at high speed” which simply proves that if you’re into doing something completely weird, or even write about it, you can be #1 on Google, too.

Another Update

Here it is, April 2008 and my rankings have all fallen. It was a nice ride while it lasted, but I guess it wasn’t meant to be forever.

Published Wed 12/14/05 at 2:02am

Categorized in Internet, Journal, Site Information